Identity formation is a critical element of youth thriving and adolescence provides a key period for forging an integrated identity, which includes exploring one’s sexual and gender identity. At the intersection of her role as parent and youth development professional, in 2002, Karen Pittman explored this topic in her piece “First to Guess, Last to Know,” reminding us to follow young people’s lead even when their timeline doesn’t match our expectations.
This week, we continue this exploration of how parenting can offer profound insights for our work with young people and as leaders in the youth development field. This piece, originally posted on Linkedin, from Paul Spivey, principal at Phillips Oppenheim, highlights a core principle for work with adolescents: young people teach us most when we listen with courage rather than certainty. Spivey’s journey from “I’ve got this” to embracing fluidity mirrors what happens when we intentionally build systems and dynamic learning ecosystems that honor every young person’s authentic identity. The leadership lessons he draws — choosing responsiveness over control, connection over categories — illuminate exactly the kind of trust-based, youth-centered approach our communities need to help all young people thrive.
I dedicate this post to my children – my greatest teachers – for encouraging me to share our story and for making me a better father and leader.
Parenting has been the most transformative leadership training of my life, stretching me in ways I never anticipated.
I’m a father of three: two trans daughters and one cisgender jock – the new All-American family, one might say : )
Courtesy of Paul Spivey
Paul Spivey
When my first child came out as gay, I thought, “I’ve got this.” When my second also came out as gay, I told myself the same. But if I’m honest, I was overwhelmed. While trying to meet their needs, I was also grappling with my own need to understand.
[Related: Why are we so afraid to let young people lead?]
Just as I began to find my footing, one of my children who had first come out as gay shared that she was trans. I was back on the sidelines, disoriented. Then my other child, who had also come out as gay, began expressing her transfeminine identity. Suddenly, “I’ve got this” turned into “This has got me, and I don’t know what to do.”
What I’ve come to realize is that my children were teaching me something profound: life isn’t rigid. Identity, experience and truth – they can all be fluid. My need for control, categories and neat definitions was mine, not theirs.
I’ve been on a rollercoaster, vacillating between comfort and discomfort. But through family therapy and support groups, I’ve learned some important truths:
- It’s okay not to fully understand. Understanding isn’t always the goal.
- What matters most is showing up – with love, empathy, and unwavering support.
Fluidity has become a central lesson. As a parent, I’ve learned that clarity isn’t a prerequisite for guidance – connection and compassion are.
As nonprofit leaders, the same principle applies.
We won’t always have the clarity to grasp every shift in the landscape or predict every challenge ahead as community needs evolve, funding fluctuates and policies change. But we must remain nimble and lead with empathy, responsiveness and trust.
[Related: Young people shine a light on the path forward]
In nonprofit work, leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about listening deeply, adapting fearlessly and showing up consistently. It’s about breaking free from boxes that limit us and embracing the fluidity real change demands.
Let’s continue building a community of leaders who choose courage over certainty, commitment over comfort and change over complacency, embodying the leadership our communities truly deserve.
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Paul Spivey is Principal at Phillips Oppenheim. With executive leadership experience in management, administration, program development and financial stewardship combined with deep board service, Paul partners with boards to strengthen organizations and set them up for success.
