I come from five generations of child sexual abuse. Through this family history, I’ve learned that healing and prevention are not the job of one person. They are the collective work of adults who have stepped up to learn, stay aware, build an understanding with the other adults, intervene when necessary and support children when boundaries are crossed. How a child knows who is willing to do that matters because they will only reach out and talk to that kind of adult when something happens. The rest of the adults around a child will likely never hear about it.
For those of us who work with children and youth, there’s an opportunity to make a lasting difference in how we influence the environment around a child. The more we bring this topic into the open, calmly, the less stigma and confusion we create, not only for children who might be at risk but for adults who might be in a position to intervene. When professionals begin to speak about child sexual abuse in brief, matter-of-fact ways, it normalizes the topic and invites others to follow suit.
The role of safe adults
The CDC estimates that one in four girls and one in twenty boys will experience sexual abuse before age 18. Said another way, what are the chances that youth-serving adults do not encounter those who have been sexually harmed daily? We often imagine that we would respond appropriately if we saw a red flag or a young person disclosed to us. Yet many have never had a young person disclose sexual harm.
Recently, I was talking to a facilitator who was giving a training to a room full of young people at a youth-serving organization. During the training, she had mentioned a list of common traumas, and included in that list child sexual abuse. At the end of the day, a 16 year old approached her, someone she had never met, and disclosed that her uncle had sexually harmed her for years, earlier in her life.
This young person was no longer in danger. She had a therapist, loving parents and a strong community around her. Yet she had told none of them. Why would she tell a stranger? When the facilitator asked her, she said,
“You just seemed like someone who could hear that without freaking out.”
Speaking plainly about child sexual abuse was enough to signal to this child she was talking to someone safe. It is telling that what the child needed first and foremost was to have an adult who would not emotionally unravel. Young people don’t want to feel they have caused immense pain to a loved one nor have them immediately set in motion an avalanche of action that would make that child feel out of control.
Not “freaking out”
So what does it take to be the kind of adult who can mention sexual harm calmly? It requires our own evolution. Sexual harm isn’t something to quickly hand off to someone else to fix. Mandatory reporting may be part of our professional duty, but it’s only one part of a larger response map.
[Related: The healing power of camp — Trauma-informed adventures for kids in foster care]
When someone reveals they have been sexually harmed to me, I often say, “Thank you for telling me that. (pause) I am so sorry you experienced this. (pause) While I know we can heal from anything, I know the pain of this kind of betrayal is deep. (pause) I am here to help you navigate it, if you want me to.” Each sentence is a big intervention, and it needs a minute to sink in. What we want to communicate is our steadiness and our ability to see the long view, not just the short.
Building a culture of conversation
Courtesy of Elizabeth Clemants
Elizabeth Clemants
We can practice saying the unsayable — calmly, compassionately, without fear. When we talk about boundaries, consent or accountability with grounded ease, we normalize these topics and show others that we can handle them.
We might say:
- “It’s very common for boys and girls to be touched sexually when they don’t want to be before age 18. That’s not their fault, and it doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong.”
- “It’s possible to love someone who harms us sexually. No one is only bad or only good, and it’s important to get support navigating that.”
- “If you’re worried you may have crossed a line with someone, ask one of us to help you find the words to talk about it.”
None of these statements is radical. But saying them out loud makes the topic speakable. Children learn that they can talk about these things. Adults see that curiosity doesn’t equal accusation. Communities begin to act with alignment rather than fear.
Shifting the culture
Child sexual abuse doesn’t disappear when it’s unspoken. It spreads. Yet even would-be safe adults need others to model how to talk about it without becoming overwhelmed. Homes can be both loving, safe and unsafe in different ways. As we normalize the topic and raise awareness about the prevalence of sexual harm without pulling the alarm, we communicate to others that we will be stable in the face of this information.
What we don’t say matters. And what we do say — calmly, clearly and often — may be the difference between hearing about sexual harm from a young person and not hearing about it.
***
Elizabeth Clemants is a social worker with over 30 years of experience in conflict resolution, restorative justice and child sexual abuse intervention. She is the founder and executive director of Hidden Water, an organization dedicated to healing the impacts of child sexual abuse through restorative practices, and the author of Healing Together: A Family Guide to Recovering from Sexual Harm.
