10 Ways for Youth Workers to Fight the Rise of Narcissism

Narcissism was a term unfamiliar to many as recently as a decade ago. Yet within the past 10 years it has risen dramatically in the public eye — especially in regards to millennials and Gen Z (sometimes lumped together as “GenMe”). This rise in prominence is essentially a mirror of the problem, whose hallmark features include: a grandiose and inflated view of self, lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement and more.

This rise of self leads to a struggle to develop and maintain intimate and trusting relationships of any kind. In many cases individuals reach a point where life feels empty and meaningless. People also experience difficulty with self-regulation strategies, and are overly concerned with how others view them.

So just how prevalent is this inflated sense of self? According to information sourced from tools like the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Inventory, one in 11 people between the ages of 20-29 show signs of clinical narcissism, meaning their behaviors are concomitant with the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Even without meeting the criteria for a diagnosis, lesser elements associated with narcissism are becoming more prevalent in our society.

To some extent, at very early ages all children exhibit “narcissistic” tendencies. They must be taught to share, and that their love of ice cream does not mean it can be the sole content of an important meal. However, as children grow most begin to recognize and adhere to social norms in regards to self, though it takes some longer than others. Children who never adhere to social norms will carry these traits into adulthood, with some eventually meeting the full criteria required for clinical classification of narcissistic personality disorder.

Unusual names a sign

Unsurprisingly, seeing the whole disorder in its adult-level context aids those seeking to identify earlier iterations of such behaviors in childhood. When looking at the big picture, it becomes possible to see some general trends in society that mirror this rising problem. For example, Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell have studied names as a means to track a rise in individualism. Their findings indicate that 35 percent of male children shared a name in 1945. As recently as 2010 that number was 12.5 percent with all indicators showing a continuation toward increasing individualism in name choices.

What drives this trend? Most certainly, parents want their children to be unique, special or one of a kind and someone worthy of attention and praise. This trend alone is not a sufficient explanation, but rather an indicator of larger problems. The first problem being that within American culture there has been a significant decrease in trust with foundational societal elements (schools stand out as a keen example).

In my work as a clinician and educator, I have found a growing lack of trust between parents and their child’s teacher and/or school, or in the case of college students, young adults and their college or university. This phenomenon was much less common in previous generations. Secondly, a growth in narcissism and narcissistic tendencies leads to weakening social bonds and antisocial behavior as evidenced by the epidemic of fight videos posted daily on YouTube with a sum of views totaling somewhere in the millions. Additionally, a rise in school shootings and suicide notes referring to fame as a motivating factor for whatever actions may come also indicate this drop in societal trust.

Even on a more colloquial level we are faced with the issue of personal appearance. While certain elements of appearance have always received attention, we have seen a rise in obsession over difficult-to-enhance elements of appearance. Highlighting this trend, plastic surgery is more common now than ever before, with almost four million aesthetic/cosmetic procedures performed in the U.S. alone in 2013, according to the most recent study by the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery.

What can we do about it?

Ultimately, higher rates of narcissism and narcissistic behavior are paired with lower levels of empathy and trust, which are obviously problematic. So how are we to address this issue and what are some contributions to its rise?

In essence, we see that the seeds of narcissism present in childhood are watered by some parents and youth service professionals (teachers, counselors, day care workers, etc.) only to blossom into a full-blown problem by early adulthood (or much earlier in some cases). Twenge and Campbell, in their work “The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement,” illuminate some modern parenting standards as significant contributors, using phrases like: “we have become too indulgent,” “we praise children too much,” and “we treat them almost like royalty.” They continue by quoting psychologist Polly Young-Eisendrath, who notes that “too many modern parents have innocently made the mistake of idealizing their children instead of truly loving them.”

This is clearly seen in what my colleagues and I jokingly call “narcissism-ware” where children are wearing shirts sporting phrases like “My Mom Thinks She’s In Charge…That’s So Cute,” “Unstoppable,” “Can’t Keep Up With My Game,” “Gifted Inspired Rad Leader Super” (an anagram for GIRLS) and more. On the whole, many children seem less emotionally mature and less willing to give of self for the benefit of others.

Yet it is this willingness to be sacrificial that is what is most needed. We are in desperate need of children, teens and young adults who are willing to serve others, to delay self-gratification and to see the joy in helping others even at the expense of their own experience in the moment. Remember those narcissistic adults who will inevitably struggle with emptiness and question the meaning of their daily lives? These are the adults who struggle to believe that others have value, worth or dignity that is equal to their own.

In sum, they have not learned the great paradoxes of adult life that only humility can teach — that fulfillment often comes through adversity, that I am most free when I am willing to show restraint and that your worth and dignity have no foundation in others’ views of you. If we are going to seek to address this issue as a whole, it begins in the home where parents will model humility and gratitude while simultaneously expecting appropriate levels of the same from their children.

It must then continue in our social, community and religious institutions where our expectations are to gladly serve and help one another. We are in desperate need of parents and youth service professionals who will see their children and charges as precious, but who are willing to hold them accountable; who have expectations for them as individuals, and as members of a family and society.

Finally, here are 10 simple suggestions for combating narcissistic behaviors or tendencies in your own home or in the work that you do with children and young adults:

1. Drop self-esteem as a goal.
2. Praise effort, not innate ability.
3. Encourage self-control.
4. Let them experience failure.
5. Allow natural consequences to take their course.
6. Build connection and compassion — high warmth, and don’t overvalue their abilities.
7. Encourage their passions — and focus on what it means to sacrifice self-interest for others.
8. Model gratitude and humility — and expect them to reciprocate it in their own lives.
9. Encourage a sense of humor — and model how to not take yourself so seriously.
10. Speak the truth in love — even when it’s hard.

Jonathan Hodge is a Tennessee-licensed marital and family therapist. He also works as a professional educator and trainer with schools, summer camps and businesses, and serves as an adjunct instructor with the School of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Johnson University.